


Cold Bones

by ThKdsArntAlrght



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anorexia, Cutting, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Past Mpreg, Self-Harm, maybe future mpreg??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 14:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14696157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThKdsArntAlrght/pseuds/ThKdsArntAlrght
Summary: Odin is a perfect ruler.Frigga is a gracious queen.Thor is a golden boy, the people's prince.Loki...is sick of all of it. Mostly, he's sick of himself.





	1. Does he know that we bleed the same?

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for self harm and eating disorders. If you cannot deal with these mature and sensitive topics, then please turn back now. I would never want someone to harm themselves.   
>  The title and all chapter names come from Where's My Love? by SYML.  
>  This is like vent writing for me, so please be gentle with your criticism and keep it constructive.

   "Brother!" Thor's voice booms, and Loki flinches. He's unwilling to open the door. "Loki, please." He pleads. "Mother is frightened. No one had seen you in days..." 

   At this point, he's glad to have learned some colorful new vocabulary from Midgard. "Fuck off!" The pounding stops slowly.

   "Loki." Thor's voice cracks. It's a rare occurrence. The younger man flinches. "Loki, please...mother isn't the only one concerned." 

   Sobs can be heard from inside the room, and Thor fills with fear. It's bad if Loki is openly crying. "Brother, open the door and let me in!" 

   "Or what?" The retort is softly spoken. It is not the harsh, biting response he'd usually give. Thor feels his stomach clench. Where is his witty, abrasive brother?

   Many times Thor has broken this door. Out of anger, out of annoyance, and now...out of fear of what he'd find if he waited. 

   He may not have waited, but what he finds still kills him a little. 

   Loki is on the ground, covered in blood. There's so much of it that the crown prince cannot see the sources. He picks him  up and cradles him as he runs to the med bay.

   Typically, he wouldn't make such a fuss. Thor is always a gentleman, and he mever wants to scare the ladies. This time, he runs like a madman, ignoring the shrieks of bystanders. 

   As soon as they get there, Loki is pried away. Odin calls Thor, and he is forcibly removed from the room when he will not go. 

   Frigga leaves as he enters, and pauses for a moment to clasp his large hands in one of hers, the other reassuringly caressing his cheek. "Oh, my son. Worry not." She murmurs.

   "How can you say that when my brother lies bloody?!" His side aches where he was injured just a few months before. "Who could do such a thing? Especially to an Asgardian prince!" 

   Her eyes fill with tears. "Worry not, because I will be with him while you are here. He will be okay...this isn't the first time." She sighs. "There is much that you don't know."

   She gently drops her hands to her sides, and exits in one graceful, fluid motion. Her son slowly approaches the throne with dread, all the while thinking of Loki, his side, and all the blood he's witnessed in his life.

   One thought comes to his mind.

    _'Does he know that we bleed the same?'_


	2. Like A Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will not be MCU canon compliant. It will likely be based on a mixture of the MCU canon and Norse mythology, plus my own imagination of how I picture things  
> In Norse mythology, Hela/Hel is Loki's daughter with the giant Angrboda, not Odin's.  
> Despite also being Loki's children, Sleipnir, Jormungandr, and Fenrir will not be mentioned.

   Thor leaves Odin's presence the exact moment he's dismissed. He hides away in the garden, trying to figure out what the hell Loki was thinking. 

    The Asgardian hasn't thought of Loki as his brother for many years now, yet he feels ashamed to admit that he is quite charmed by the man he used to think of as a brother.

   He closes his eyes, breathing in the flowery, earthy scents of the garden. What if he had stopped calling Loki brother? Would that had made him feel better? Or more excluded?

   He conjures the image of Loki in his mind, and he smiles momentarily. Then, the image suddenly becomes dark. Loki pales and is covered in dark, pooling blood. 

   He gets up, and, deeply disturbed, he runs to the infirmary. 

   The healers are reluctant to let him in. The moment they see his fragile, frenzied state, they attempt to talk him into leaving and taking a walk. 

   Thor tries to smoothly talk them into letting him by, but it is Loki who is called Silvertongue, not Thor. In the end, they take pity on him.

   Loki is just awakening. His body is deeply scarred. He's frighteningly pale, and thinner than ever before. He'd always been more thin and delicately built than Thor, but now he looked sick.

   When he had carried Hela, he'd looked fragile like this, but even then, he had at least looked alive. 

   When Odin had Angrboda executed, Loki had not looked so pale and deathlike. In the days to follow, life had been bad, but he'd never looked this awful.

   Surprisingly, he launches himself into Thor's arms, and the healers go to stop him, fearing a hidden attack. He sobs, wetting Thor's top and shoulder. Thor waves the healers off.

   Thor has half a mind to call Hela. She's always been there for her mother, and she loves Loki deeply. Then he worries about how she'll fear for Loki, so he doesn't summon her from her kingdom of Helheim.

   Thor holds Loki like the most precious thing inhe universe until he sobs himself back into an exhaustion and falls asleep.

   The blonde is left alone, staring at how pale Loki is. He fears for him. He's even paler than he was in his horrifying vision. He'll be damned if he doesn't admit that Loki is scaring him.

   He could handle him in his Jotun form. He could handle him when he was in a pissy mood and raging around like he was the most superior god to ever exist. 

   He gulped. He could handle Loki in almost any form, but not like this.

   Like a ghost.


	3. Don't Wanna Cry, but I Break That Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite a long chapter. Feel free to drop a comment and tell me if you prefer longer chapters or shorter ones. Enjoy :)

Hours pass as Loki sleeps, though he is restless, tossing and turning. Thor doesn't leave, and Frigga sends maids and servants to bring him food and drinks.

   The queen stops by as often as she can, but it's a busy day for the Asgardian rulers. They have to explain why their son carried their other boy through the halls covered in blood.

   They have to explain the necessity of having the crown prince take time off to help his brother through these difficult times.

   Loki resents it all. He resents Thor for saving him. He resents Frigga for helping heal him, and he resents Odin for not leaving him to die as an unwanted newborn in Jotunheim's icy climate and terrain.

   Most of all, he resents himself. He's never communicated it, but the tesseract took over him. It destroyed him from the inside out. It broke his spirit and his mind. Where there used to be light and mischief, there's now darkness and chaos.

   Thor notices the changes after he starts paying constant attention to Loki. He sees, for the first time, the ruins of the once strong man he had always called brother. It scares him half to death.

Loki is on constant suicide watch. Thor watches him most of the day for as long as he can. The healers watched over him the rest of the time.

Eventually, Thor is needed by his kingdom again. Loki is seemingly improving, but something tells the elder man that if he is left alone, Loki will not survive himself.

While Thor pours over the politics and diplomacy pf his impending crowning, Loki is watched by Sif. They're a good match for each other. They both piss each other off, but in a somewhat friendly way. They can tolerate each other's taunts. Valkyrie also watches over him sometimes, and Lady Sigyn is also a frequent visitor or, as Loki says, prison warden.

Time passes slowly, and Loki seems to be on the mend until one night, it all caves in. It's been months, and he's finally allowed back into his rooms. Everyone is concerned, but they understand his need to be in a familiar space besides the healers' wing. It starts with a young servant girl running to Thor.

"Your majesty!" She bursts in without knocking. She's out of breath, and doesn't curtsy. Thor rises to his feet immediately.

"Is it Loki?" He askes in concern. Her eyes widen as she realizes how rude she's been.

"Erm, yes, your highness. And I'm so sorry I just burst in without ev-"

"Sit. Stay here and calm down while I atrend to Loki." He pushes a pitcher of fresh water towards her, and finds her a clean glass. "Thank you for alerting me." He exits the room, getting to Loki's as fast as he can.

The first things he notices are how thin Loki is, the smashed vases and glasses, and the considerable amount of blood. He instantly feels sick, and catches the man right before he collapses.

He takes care of it himself this time. His seiðr is powerful, but not typically used for healing, though he manages to pull the wounds together. He cleans the glass and begins running a bath for when Loki wakes.

Though he is conflicted in his decision and wants to shield her from the horrific amount of blood, he calls for the young servant girl. When she comes, he lets her just inside, using his body to shield her from the awful sights.

"Could you please go to the kitchens and ask then for a meal? Tell them Thor has sent you for Loki. No one will dare question you." He requests. She is shaky, but nods.

"Of course, your ma-majesty." She stammers the last word, having caught a glimpse at the blood. He immediately feels immensely guilty.

"What is your name, child?"

"It's Anselma," she replies nervously. "I bare only a forename."

"Well, Anselma, I greatly appreciate this. Shall I send my thanks to your parents?" He assumed that they were also servants. It was common for servants to have children who grew up as servants with no surname. She smiled sadly as she turned to exit.

"It is just me, your highness. I shall return as soon as possible with a meal." He desires to remedy her use of his titles, but his attention is diverted when Loki begins to stir. Wordlessly, he takes him into his bathing room.

Loki is silent as Thor begins to undress him. Usually, he'd have a wise comment or something flirty to say that would fluster the elder. Today, he stares into spaces in silence.

Thor gets him clean and wraps him in a robe. He has him sit on the dresser while he cleans up all the blood and any remaining shards. Anselma returns with a meal as promised, and she personally sets it by an unmoving Loki.

"Feel better soon, your highness." She forces a smile. Thor gently grabs her wrist before she leaves.

"Will you meet me in the library tomorrow?" He has so many questions for this compassionate young girl who is no more than a child, but apparently entirely alone. She nods, then takes her leave. Loki stands.

"She seems a bit too young for you, hmm?" He purrs. "I'd say I'm offended, given you just undressed me, but I understand that you prefer hopping from bed to bed, even if you never make it into their pants." He smirked.

"Sit down, Loki." Thor ignores all the jabs. When the raven haired man refuses, he picks him up and gently dumps him on the bed, setting up a tray, and giving him the food. "Eat."

He eats next to nothing, continuing to make snarky comments to push Thor away. When the blonde paces over to the door, he thinks he's done it. He's ready to let down the act and cry in private.

Tears begin to stream silently, but he jumps as Thor slams the door shut and locks it. He swivels around, and takes in the sight before him. "Loki?"

"Shut up! I wish you'd stop pretending that I mean anything, and just go away!" He lashed out. He goes to destroy the tray and bowls, but Thor moves them to the dresser.

Despite his protests, Thor pulls Loki to his chest rough but gentle all at the same time. He fights it for a moment, then goes limp in his arms, sobbing.

"I will never be okay again," he chokes out. "I am a momster, and it is my own fault. That girl was terrified of me! I am terrified of me! You should have let die!" He rambles into his shoulder.

Thor blinks. He had not expected such honesty and display of emotion. He ponders what to say, stroking Loki's hair.

"Anselma is the one who brought this to my attention She then went to get you food afterwards by my request. She is not terrified of you. Had she been, she would not have ran to me to ensure your survival." He chooses his words carefully, hoping that Loki will understand that he is not a monster or terrifying. Convincing him that he'll be okay will be harder.

"I keep thinking of my children." He confessed softly. "They are branded as monsters and exiled when they are incredibly kind. I am...a monster, allowed freedom. It is not fair." A hand absentmindedly presses to his stomach, the other massaging his temples.

"Your children have found their own happiness in each other and in treasured friends on Midgard. Hel, one of your children grew up to be a goddess and a queen. She rules her own realm!" He argues.

Loki smiles slightly at that. "I am so proud of them. I wish I was someone to be proud of...but I am source of fear, chaos, and death..."

"You were-and are-a god of mischief. You were a hub of life once. You could return to your former glory. Loki, seek help!" He pleads. "Odin...wants to reveal your true nature and race in revenge for the bad publicity he feels this has caused." Loki flinches.

"I don't want to cry anymore." He says finally. "I don't want to break this way." Thor smiles at him, and Loki feels the crush he'd had for centuries slowly come back. He hides the blush.

His children still love him, and they themselves have found happiness. He owes a great debt to a young girl who didn't have to save him, and he owes everything to Thor. He makes up his mind.

He wants to recover. He is finally willing to try to be okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already highkey love Anselma and she is gonna play a huge role. She's entirely my OC, not in mythology or the MCU.


	4. If He Ran Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my babe hela comes for a visit. she's based off mythology and my brain, not the MCU. so she's cool.

        The next morning, Thor checks on Loki, asks a servant to keep an eye on him, and heads down to the library. He waits for Anselma, but she never comes. He seems out the volume that holds the servants' information, reading until he finds Anselma.

   True to her word, she's listed only as Anselma. He wants to rectify that, and should she have been male, he would've instantly claimed her and made her Anselma Thorson. He feels guilty for not having a spouse or partner, and briefly wonders if he could convince Loki into letting her take on the name Lokidottir, like Hela.

   The large tome lists nothing about Anselma besides the fact that she's 15. Thor bristles about the fact that a girl who is practically an infant in Asgardian terms is working as a servant.

   Eventually, the tenderhearted man's worry gets the better of him, and he goes to find her. He's sidetracked by the sound of a whip, a feminine scream, and a shocked crowd. He sprints to the center of a bustling market. He can't see much about whoever it is. Brown hair falls in a messy, dirty waterfall.

   Another scream pierces through his very soul. Thor may love hunting, but he doesn't like needless suffering. Whippings and executions sicken him. He tries to force his way through the crowd, but everyone is too stunned to move. The flogger grabs the woman by her hair, and Thor cannot take anymore.

   "Stop! What is the meaning of this?!" Her head snaps up, and familiar emerald green eyes meet his stormy blue ones.

   "Well, you see, your Highness, she was caught in the royal kitchens sneaking food out to the other servants. My King informed me that I may punish her however I see fit." Thor's stomach drops. The servants have been unusually thin lately. He's been concerned, but so busy with Loki that he had failed to question it.

   "Let her go," he whispers quietly, mournfully.

   "Thor!" Anselma cries, and she's struck down by the flogger for it. She's in rags, and they've been torn open. Her back is a bloody mess. She's a sobbing wreck, and Thor feels guilty. He pushes it aside in favor of rage.

   "Let her go!" He commands. "You answer to me!" The crowd is confused, and begins bubbling with confusion and small talk. In one fluid motion, he silences them. "Release her."

   "But My King said-" The flogger is angry and confused.

   "I care not what my father said, release her! She was on my orders!" He lies. The flogger goes pale.

   "She never said that, how do I kn-" Thor takes a risk, the largest one of his life.

   "This is my daughter, Anselma. You will release her at once." The man drops her, and Thor cradles her delicate, near limp frame to his chest. "May I announce my daughter, Princess of Asgard, Anselma Lokidóttir."

   At that, he turns and sprints to Loki's chambers.

\--

   Loki awakes peacefully. Since promising Thor that he'll get better, he's actually been trying. He eats light snacks a few times a day to get used to food again, and he avoids sharp edges and points to avoid an incident.  
He talks to a healer for an hour or two per day, and socializes at meal times and often goes out after dinner.

   This morning, something is wrong. He can sense it. One of his children, perhaps? The thought brings a frown to his face. Seconds later, Thor bursts into his room carrying a bloody woman.

   When he first sees the head of dark hair and pale skin, his stomach drops. Hela. How does the Queen of Hel get injured so badly? The hair falls away to reveal the beautiful fair features of the child servant Thor had with him yesterday.

   Anselma's rosy lips part slightly as she cries in pain. Loki beckons for Thor to set her down and leave. The blonde begins to protest. The younger man shuts him down.

   "Wait outside. I'll need to undress her completely to heal her." At that, Thor blushes darkly and nods in understanding, waiting right outside.

   It doesn't take long for Loki to cut her rags away. He removes them, then starts a bath for her. He runs a cloth under water for the moment, wiping her back with gentle strokes. Fever and infection can set in front the very first lash, and it already has.

   Anselma is delirious as Loki strokes her dark hair and lifts her to gently submerge her in water. She tries to cling to him, getting his robes bloody and wet. He uses a great deal of magic to heal the wounds. Grimacing, he notes that they'll definitely scar.

   "Mother," she sobs deliriously, reaching for Loki. He knows what such immense pain is like, and allows her to cling to him. When she's all healed and sleeping, he lifts her up, dries her off, and dresses her in one of his nightgowns. It's large on her, but it'll work for now.

   He allows Thor in, and he cradles the girl to his chest again. He's changed, thankfully. He smiles at Loki.

   "Thank you....Hela is in the garden. She awaits you, Loki."

   Still bloody and wet, he runs to Hela. She wrinkles her nose in disgust and cleans him with a wave of her hand.

   "This is the way you greet your daughter?" She teases. "I already had to clean off Thor." She smiles. "Speaking of, why was I never told?!" She demands.

   "Told what?" He asks, confused.

   "You're with Thor! You had his child!" She grins. "While you kept me waiting, I contacted my dear brothers, who didn't know either!" He blushes.

   "Hela," he starts slowly. "I'm not pregnant. Or with Thor." She's bouncing up and down, entirely unqueenlike.

   "Oh, I know. I mean the girl Anselma. Thor announced her as Princess of Asgard, Anselma Lokidóttir!" His eyes widen. He listens to all she knows, about Anselma being a mere babe, orphaned, and working in the castle. She goes on to explain the events that had led to a bloody Anselma in Loki's chambers.

   "Thor announced her...as our daughter?" Loki is reeling. Hela nods. He can't find it within himself to be angry. "Okay." He says slowly.

   "You know, Thor loves you. He always has. And though you've loved others, Mother," Hela takes Loki's hands in her own. "I know the Thunderer has always been dear to your heart. Thor has always been good to us. All of us. I would be overjoyed to see you together."

   "Hela, I-" The queen is impatient as always.

  "Go get your man. And child, I suppose. What are you going to do about that?" She already knows, of course, not that she'll tell him that.

   "Take her in." He responds instantly. The people already think she's his, and she's alone. He would never abandon one of his children.

   "And about Thor?" She asks.I

   "I'll publicly claim her as well. Then the ball will be in his court." Hela grins and tells him congratulations before she hugs him and disappears back to her realm.

   Loki begins drafting a declaration that very night as Thor sleeps in his bed with Anselma curled into his side. He can't believe that a few days ago he was thinking about what would happen if he ran away.

   His main reasons for happiness and recovery are right here, curled up together on his bed. Life is looking up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loki is finally doing better!! also, poor anselma, but now she has parents, if thor and loki can get a story together in time. let's hope our favorite silvertongue comes through for her ;)
> 
> edit: holy shit this has 1.1k hits omg


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